I remember as a young man I would get offended very easily. Someone would say something, that I’d now find funny, and I’d jump all over them demanding what I called “respect”. I recall instances when guys I had grown up with would tell me that I was too concerned with this “respect” thing and that my behaviors not only made it difficult for people to trust me but people also stopped joking around with me as much. In other words, I was pushing everybody away and I was on a path to being alone. Some of these behaviors (character defects) followed me into recovery. As I reflected on my past I could see how much my fear ran the show in those early days of mine and, in very much the same way, in early recovery. I could plainly see how my desire to control other people’s perceptions of me was centered in fear and that I not only failed to accept myself but I was not accepting of others. These very beliefs and behaviors had me going through life like an exposed nerve when even a light breeze would cause me pain. The more I grow in my recovery the more accepting I am of myself and others. Some of the early signs of my emotional sobriety came as I observed myself laughing at myself alone and with others. No fear or disdain just a good belly laugh with total acceptance and knowledge of who I am. For me self-acceptance was the start I needed and once I was able to accomplish that accepting others and their ideas was easy. This just didn’t magically happen for me, however, and I had to do some work to get to this place. You see it is kind of difficult to accept one’s self with so many broken relationships and damage caused by a life lived in fear. For me my self-acceptance could not begin until I sought out to repair the damage of my past. How could I have placed my head on the pillow at night and thought all was well in the world when I hadn’t made restitution for my past? That was impossible for me and I had to make things right with those I had hurt. I got to work, which I now see is a life’s work, and over time I not only made things right with others I was making things right with myself. Not everybody accepted my amends which highlighted how much pain I caused people and at times this would leave my heart aching. The thing is that I knew my intentions and did all I could to make it right. I couldn’t go back in time but I could learn from my past and not repeat it while helping others not make the same mistakes I did. That is what it was like for me and what it is still like today. I have many more amends to make but today I can accept who I am which allows me to accept others. I am very grateful for many things and one of those is my ability to no longer take myself too seriously.
Thank you all for your support and I look forward to reading your comments.
Your friend,
Bryan Hullihen 